I Feared The Memories
by Lady Tavington
Summary: My first LM/HG fic. If you get confused with the italics, it was supposed to start at the "It was dark..." paragraph and end with the "I only wished I was also leaving the memories behind" paragraph. R/R peeps!


Disclaimer: Before anything, I just want to say **I OWN LUCIUS MALFOY!!!!!** I'm kidding, I'm kidding.  Haha, big joke, _so_ funny I forgot to laugh, whoopdeedee. -_-'  Anyway, moving on, I own nada.  JKR's the big momma of this whole Potter whoopla.  Don't come after me…

A/N: For a while, I thought myself to be the ONLY HG/LM writer, but then, I found out that I'm not.  Oh well.  Kudos to all the LM/HG writers who have managed to pull it off beautifully!  And so, here goes me, trying to replicate their success…my first HG/LM fic, so please, be gentle.  R/R, if you don't mind, by the way…

One last A/N: My muse for this story…the one, the only, the INCOMPARABLE Jason Isaacs…what would I do without you?

Summary: Hermione remembers things she's not sure she should be.  Especially not when her husband happens to be the son of the very subject of her harsh memories.  (Just trying to make it sound deep…)

I Feared The Memories

By Catz Kenobi

I looked up.  The night was peaceful.  The stars were out, and the crickets were singing their nightly tunes.  Not a creature stirred.  Even the lake was placated for the meantime.  The wind blew pleasantly cold.  The night breeze blew around me, trying to relax me, trying to give me peace of mind.

But it failed.  

The picture before me was paradise, but I didn't take comfort in it.  I couldn't take comfort in it.  Especially knowing that that huge silhouetted infrastructure in the back was where my nightmares once meshed violently with my dreams, burst into reality and hit me in the face.  Yet, try as I might, I can hardly take my eyes off it.  It was as if it had cast a spell on my gaze that I could not tear it away to look somewhere else.

"Hermione."  A soft call, followed by the slightest of touches on my shoulder.  Before I realize what I've done, I shrug my shoulder away a little.  Anything to get away from that pale hand of his.  But I knew very well it wasn't he I was dreading.  I looked up into his silver eyes.  So much compassion, so much concern.  So much love.  All this from the man who once held nothing but contempt for me.  It was then that he took me in his arms, into his embrace, and I remembered why I fell in love with him in the first place.  I felt him kiss my forehead.  Then he asked me the one question I didn't want him to ask.  "Tell me.  Tell me the truth.  Tell me everything."  

Tears formed in my eyes as I closed them.  I couldn't tell him.  Not that I feared him.  Not that I feared rejection.  Only that I feared the memories.  I didn't want to remember.  I shouldn't be remembering them.  I went to extreme measures to make sure of that.  Yet, here I was, ready to pour out everything I had hidden from him and the rest of the world for almost 5 years now.  

It was dark.  I could barely see.  Whoever had captured me had just taken the blindfold off my eyes, and now my vision was blurred.  But I realized, as soon as he spoke, that I had no need of my eyes to identify my predator.  

_"Welcome," his silky voice said, "to my humble abode, Ms Granger."  I froze.  I knew his voice all too well.  It  washed over me like a harsh wave, all the coldness hitting me as if like ice.  I didn't need to see the all too familiar snake's-head cane to know who it was.  I didn't need to see his long blond hair flowing after him as if like cloth in the wind to know Lucius Malfoy had found me.  "I trust though," he continued nonchalantly, "that you are already familiar with it, seeing as how you've invaded my space one too many times."  I was afraid of him.  He could tell.  I could imagine he could practically smell my fear.  Nevertheless, I held my head high.  "All part of the job, Malfoy," I said angrily.  But he only clucked his tongue.  "Do try to be more courteous in the company of ones older than you, Ms Granger," he said quietly, as he secured the ties that bound me to the chair.  I could practically see him smiling as I hissed in pain.  The ropes were cutting into my wrists already, so hard I thought they might already have drawn blood.  I hated him.  I could feel the hate as if it were the blood coursing through my body.  Damn him.  "Stop being such a gentleman, Malfoy," I said, "It's not going to get you anywhere."  "You think so?" he said in a whisper as he reappeared in front of me, kneeling so that our heads were level.  "I know so," I spat back.  "Defiant to the very end," he said then, shaking his head with an amused smile on his face.  His tone had not changed.  "That's what I like about you.  So strong, defiant, brave.  Pity it won't get you too far tonight."  "Don't count on it," I answered through gritted teeth.  He simply chuckled.  "I don't have to, my dear," he said.  _

_It was then that he leaned in and let our lips meet.  I was unarmed, and even if I wasn't, my hands would have been of no use.  I could not push him away.  He held my head fast, so I could not even turn my head away.  I was defenseless, yes, but I refused to believe I was helpless.  When he finally let go of my lips, I was breathless.  It was not because of the kiss, but because I was struggling to move, for I could not.  "What do you think you're doing?" I said, the fear now mixing with my anger.  His fiery lust-filled gaze bore into my eyes, and I could feel the blood rushing to my face.  I now knew what he wanted, why he brought me here.  He would have his way with me, then he would get rid of me.  Then, once that's over, it would be easier to get at Harry, and he would be the Dark Lord's hero.  _

_I hated him with a passion.  I hated him with everything I had.  Hated him more than I ever hated his own son.  Hated him more than I ever hated anyone in my entire life._

_"Oh, how selfish of me," he said with mock apologetic tones, "I haven't told you.  Well, my little Mudblood," he spat, and it took all my will and sense not to kick him, "It's all common sense, isn't it?  I defile Potter's best friend, his defenses go down, I turn him in, and voila!  Besides," and here his grey eyes narrowed even more than they already were, "You have tortured me long enough.  It's time I ended my suffering."  "What are you talking about?" I said in shock, but what the answer to this was, I never got, for he kissed me again.  He kissed me hard, so hard that it bruised my lips.  I pulled away roughly.  "You keep away from me!" I said.  But he did not answer.  He simply stood, smiling, and took his cane once more by the head.  At first, I thought he would strike me with it.  But he pulled at the snake head, and off it came.  I took a deep breath as my voice caught in my throat.  I finally found where he was hiding his wand.  "Don't make it any harder than it already is," he said, pointing the wand at me, "why don't you just be a little more…cooperative?"  And with that, I lost control of my body.  Literally.  I don't know what he had done to me.  I tried to move my feet, but found that I couldn't.  But it was not that I could not move.  On the contrary, my body was moving.  Of its own accord.  "What have you done to me, Malfoy?!" I screamed, taking some comfort in the fact that I could at least still move my facial muscles.  "Just made it easier on both of us, my dear," he said, before leaning in and kissing me once more.  I willed my body to fight him, but it didn't seem to be listening to me anymore._

_Behind me, his hands moved deftly to untie me.  That sense of dread grew higher and higher as he came closer to freeing me.  "Don't do this," I pleaded.  I didn't care how pathetic I sounded, I just wanted to leave.  I didn't want him touching me.  I didn't want him this close.  "Don't…" but my pleas fell on deaf ears.  Frustrated, he ripped the ropes off and my blouse open.  "You perverted bastard!" I said.  "You filthy, self-centered, egotistical maniac!"  He looked me in the eye, our faces but mere inches away from each other, then said, "That's taking it a bit too far, don't you think?" His lips found my neck, and I gasped slightly.  My hands flew to his head, holding him fast.  It was then I realized it was going to be hard to fight.  My body was responding to him before my brain could even register what he was doing, and that's saying something.  "Stop this, Malfoy," I said breathlessly.  "No," he said simply into my ear, "and my name is Lucius.  Remember that."  And with that, I felt him bite down gently on my neck.  An involuntary gasp left my throat.  "You really should stop fighting," I heard him breathe as he threw me onto the bed.  "There's really no point.  You know this would have happened to you anytime, anywhere, and it would still be me."_

I glared at him.  "What will it take for you to leave me alone, Lucius? WHAT?!" I was practically shouting.  "Just you," he said in an undertone, "giving yourself to me."  Then it began.  

His lips slipped from my neck to my breasts.  With one swift move he rid me of the rest of my garments.  I didn't have the strength to speak, let alone command my wand to come to me from the floor.  With his every move, Lucius was driving me mad.  My brain was commanding me to get a hold of myself, but my body wasn't willing enough.  To my utter horror, my body was enjoying this.  "So beautiful…so young…and all mine…" he whispered into my ear.  I gave an involuntary moan at the evident desire in his voice.  He trailed kisses down my collarbone, and I shivered.  Even his lips were cold, but his kisses were soft, less violent.  His hands were not idle either.  They caressed my skin as if I were made of porcelain.    I closed my eyes for a moment.  This is NOT happening to me, I thought wildly, this cannot be happening to me.  But it was.  It was happening.  And what was worse was that I had no control of anything whatsoever.  Just let go, a small voice said inside my head, just let go.  It will be all over in a few minutes, and he wouldn't dare tell anyone…

I seemed to have gone mad.  My own body was telling me what to think.  Not that I really had the strength to think, what with Lucius all over me.  So, I did the only rational thing my mind would let me think of.  I gave in.  I stopped protesting, I stopped complaining.  I just let go.  

If smiles could be heard, then I was sure I heard his.  "Good girl," he whispered into my ear.  He plants a soft kiss on my cheek, almost feather-like, only enough to taunt me.  I sighed abruptly.  Another realization, the nth for the night, hit me.  I was enjoying this.  Not only with my body, but with every aspect of me.  My mind had given in.  I had only one thought now.  I wanted him.  I wanted him with a carnal instinct I wasn't sure was exactly safe.  I could tell it was all too true by the gasp that left my throat when his mouth closed over one of my breasts, his hand massaging the other.  My grip on him became subtly but considerably tighter.  "Like that, do you?" he whispered against my stomach.  Almost as if in a trance, I answered, "yes…" And with that, I felt his hand move lower, further down my body.  It was unnerving how he could make me hate him and yet want him all with a simple movement.  

Before I knew it, Lucius had slipped a finger into me, and I had gasped out…with satisfaction or with surprise, I couldn't tell.  I thought I ought to felt ashamed to let myself be so vulnerable, especially in the company of one of the Dark Lord's most infamous followers, but I found I just couldn't help myself.  This man was…something else, to say the least.  And I meant that.

He withdrew his finger, and I whimpered, my hips bucking slightly, trying to make contact with his touch again.  "Want that, eh?" he said silkily.  "Answer me, girl."  "Yes," I heard myself say, though I hardly recognized my own voice, "Oh yes, Lucius…" Gods above, what was he doing to me?  I heard his soft chuckle.  "And you would want more, wouldn't you?" he said.  "Yes…" I moaned.  He crept up my body slowly, and caught my lips with his own.  This kiss was unlike any he had given me this far into the night.  This kiss was deep, full of want and longing.  Oh, if I only had my wand! He was vulnerable at this moment.  He was treasuring this, as if I had been his from the dawn of time.  His guard was down.  I could do anything now. 

  
But I didn't.  I stayed in the kiss.  I let it take over me.  I let Lucius take over me.  For a moment, for a night, I would not be Hermione Granger, the Auror who had put already 7 Death Eaters into Azkaban in her first 3 months.  For just one night, even though I wasn't willing, I would be his. 

My moan was lost in the recesses of his warm mouth as he slipped a finger into me once more.  Slowly, he began to move his hand.  I was lost in the sensations coursing through my body.  "More, Lucius," I moaned, "Gods, I want more."  I gasped as he obliged, slipping a second finger into me.  My grip became tighter.  In the midst of all I was feeling, a small part of me was still crying out how wrong this was. I pushed it away, feeling less and less like myself.  If I thought about it, I didn't know what exactly it was I was feeling, aside from total and utter ecstasy.  And at the moment, I didn't want to feel anything else.

His tongue invaded my mouth, and I decided, in spite of myself, not to fight it.  He wrecked sweet havoc in my mouth, as if he'd known every crick and crevice of it for all time.   

A pleasant sort of tingle rushed through me, down to my already heated center.  I moaned hungrily, eager for more, just as another finger slipped inside me.  "Oh, please…" I heard myself say.  I heard a stifled groan come from him.  Without another word, I rid him of his clothes.  The sight of him took me aback.  That carnal want in me grew even more, and it was then I knew I had lost it.  "Take me, Lucius," I said.  "Don't say another word, just take me, for gods' sakes."  I knew I sounded like a complete whore, but at the moment, I couldn't care less.  I wanted him as much as I hated him.  A small whimper escaped my throat as he withdrew his hand from me.  For a moment, he just gazed down at me, touching my cheek and tracing my lips.  "How did it come to this?" he whispered, then he leaned in and took my lips once more.  As his lips traveled to my neck, his hips gave an almighty thrust, and finally reached home.  I groaned, writhing under him, pleading for him to take even more of me.  As if having a mind of their own, my legs wrapped around his broad hips and urged him to experience more of me.  His thrusts became a little more violently, but pleasurably so.  Every move of his hips took me higher, the unmistakable waves of ecstasy claiming me and dragging me out with them.  His groans mixed with my own, and a certain sense of triumph flickered in me for a moment, knowing it was I who was driving him to the point of madness.  I didn't want it to stop.  I didn't want to open my eyes and let the truth of the whole matter hit me.  

"Lucius…" I moaned.  It would be my last for the night.  Release came, and with it the horrible truth.  But as I found myself locked in another passionate kiss, I decided to ignore it.  He whispered something in my ear, but it was incoherent as sleep slowly came over me.  

I thought I had escaped reality by ignoring the truth.  I had "fraternized with the enemy," as Ron called it once, and I had let myself.  But my dreams would not let me escape.  Even in my dreams, somehow, Lucius Malfoy managed to remind me of how much I wanted him with a guilty pleasure.  I awoke hating him more than ever.  My whole body ached, and I felt light-headed.  The silken black sheets were mercilessly cold and abrasive against my skin.  I sat up in bed, looking down at him.  He looked so sated, and less dangerous.  He looked more human all of a sudden, not at all the man I had glared at with the utmost loathing when I was a little girl.  I put my head in my hands.  What in the name of Merlin had he made me do?  I couldn't believe it.  Not only had I slept with one of the most dangerous men in Britain, but I now found I also still wanted him badly.  Get a hold of yourself, Hermione! I berated myself.  Get over yourself, and get out of here before he wakes up and does something to you.  Glad to find I had control over my thoughts and body now, I rushed around, dressing myself, careful not to make any noise at all.  Just as I was about to open the door to leave his godforsaken room, his rich voice stopped me dead in my tracks.  

"Where do you think you're going, my dear?" So much for not waking him.  I heard him give a snort.  "What, so soon?" he said.  I heard a rustling of cloth and his footsteps on the ground.  Then all of a sudden, he was in front of me.  How did he do that?  "Just when we were having so much fun?" he replied with a nastily suggestive grin.  "Just when YOU were having fun," I said coyly.  "I wasn't at all, and you have absolutely no proof of anything otherwise."  I couldn't believe I was talking like this to LUCIUS MALFOY, and yet, I felt so proud of myself for being able to stand up to him, despite the fact that I was trying my best to hide the truth.  "You think so?" he said, his lips barely moving at all.  "Of course you do, but the blood rushing to your face betrays your demeanor, my dear."  As much as I was furious with him for pointing out what was so obvious that I had trouble hiding it (which is really rare), I was furious with myself.  He knew I had in fact enjoyed myself, and now he was torturing me with that knowledge, knowing I would rather die than having to live an eternity or two knowing I slept with the enemy and enjoyed it for all it was worth.  

"I'll kill you," I said all of a sudden through gritted teeth.  My breathing was harsh, so angry was I at him.  "I'll kill you right now."  It then occurred to me that it was virtually impossible as I did not have my wand.  Still, I searched for it deftly, as if trying to take some comfort in knowing that it was, at least, there.  But it wasn't.  I was doomed.  Damned if I wasn't.

"Looking for this?" I heard him say, and my focus on him returned.  My anger grew as I saw him holding my wand in his left hand.  "Damn you!" I shouted as I lunged for it.  "Give it back you bastard!"  He stopped me with a simple block of his hand on my chest.  Struggling did me no good.  "You know," he said simply with the air of someone commenting on the weather, "It's an ugly business doing one's duty, but just occasionally, it's a real pleasure.*"  I struggled even more, reached out even further, but I still couldn't reach my wand.  He was holding it away from me a little too far.  "You inhumane piece of shit!" I shouted, surprised at my own words.  I rarely swore.  I never even swore at Professor Snape.  I only really swore when I was infuriated beyond control.  In this particular circumstance though, I was justified.  

He held me at bay, still naked, still holding my wand out, still smiling pointedly.  I racked my brain for some way to get my wand and run as fast as possible away from the house.  Then, out of some forgotten corner of my mind, came Harry's face, and with it a memory of something he had once taught me.  I'd never really tried it, and I couldn't really take any chances right now, it was all or nothing, but I had to do it.  I had to get it and get out.  

With my free hand, I faked a punch from the left side, and when he anticipated the punch and moved to block it with his other hand, I swung from the other side, the back of my hand connecting harshly with his cheek, and took my wand from him at the same time.  I quickly cast around for a spell to do enough harm without me having to use the Unforgivable Curses, but all I came up with, due to my urgent need to practically fly out of here, was "Expelliarmus!" He flew backwards, into a wall.  He slid down it to land on the floor, out cold for the meantime.  This was one of those rare moments I felt thankful that Lockhart had been such an idiot letting Snape hit him hard with that same spell.  

"Run!" a little voice in my head said.  I didn't need telling.  I ran as fast as I could.  I just wanted to get away.  I just wanted to leave everything behind.  I wanted to run, and keep running until I found…someone to help me.  Harry, or Ron…maybe even Draco…who knew?  I just wanted to keep on running even when my bones felt like jelly already…

Then, as I got past the main door and out into the open, I realized something.  It struck me that I hadn't thought of it last night.  I could Apparate.  I smacked my palm to my forehead painfully.  Stupid, stupid…

I couldn't afford to waste any more time berating myself.  Lucius was only knocked out, not exactly dead.  I decided to see that next time we meet.  I Apparated away, away from the house, away from the Malfoy grounds, away from Lucius.  I only wished I was also leaving the memories behind.  

I opened my eyes, and found myself in my husband's protective embrace.  My back was to the house.  As I started to tell him everything, I lost track of the present.  I didn't even know when he wrapped his arms around me in the first place.  I didn't even know I had started crying.  All I knew was that I had poured out everything to him, the only son of that…inhumane imp, that was all he really was, when it all boils down to it.  All I knew was that I could still taste the fear and the anger in my mouth, as palpable as this gentle embrace I was in at the moment.  He kept shushing me, telling me everything was okay, he would protect me, no matter what.  Don't look back at the house, he told me, just don't.  I had a strong inclination to.  I felt that prickling sensation on my nape, as if someone were watching me.  So, just before I followed him into our carriage, I looked back.

And regretted it.  

It was only his silhouette, a dark figure against a lighter background, but I could tell it was him.  His stance was all too familiar.  His head looked cocked to one side, as if he were watching in amusement.  I could practically see him smiling that evil, sadistic, sardonic smile of his.  I took a deep breath and entered the carriage.

~END~

*This is a line from another Jason Isaacs character, Col. William Tavington, from the movie, The Patriot, and he said the very same line to Mel Gibson.  Hey, the opportunity presented itself, I couldn't resist.  Thanks, Mr Isaacs!  Okay everyone, time to review.  SO just click on that little GO button right there on the lower left portion of your screen and tell me what you think, eh?  


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